#mc13 and her ocd
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I will NOT perform a compulsion, I will NOT perform a compulsion, I will NOT perform a compulsion, I WILL NOT!! PERFORM!! A COMPULSION!!!!! I WILL NOT--
#doing compulsions is the mind killer etc. etc.#I HAVE TO BE SOMEWHERE I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOWWWWWWWW#mc13 and her ocd
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BRAIN, I DON'T WANT TO CRY ANYMORE. STOP.
#I need someone to physically rip the ocd out of my brain#like literally just. somehow make my disorder tangible and then remove it from my body#PLEASE#I'D RATHER NOT LIVE LIKE THIS#I even tried the erp stuff which usually at least does SOMETHING but I legit like. felt SICK to the point where I straight-up#could not finish the exercise. which. hmm that hasn't happened in a very long time! not a good sign!#mc13 and her ocd
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One of the WORST parts of having OCD is that some of the Fears™ are actually humanly possible, so it's not like my response can just be, "Oh that'll never happen" or even "I've never seen that happen, so it's probably unlikely."
#like. okay. for example. 2019 me: 'better do cleaning compulsions because oh no what if I get the Plague™'#fast forward a year to covid and that was genuinely a very real possibility. I could LITERALLY catch the plague#or on a smaller more personal scale: 'no one is going to screenshot a Bad Line™ of your fic and publicly make fun of it online-people#don't do that it'd be so extra why tf would you be afraid of that happening' except I JUST saw someone literally do that. so we engage in#Avoidance Compulsions™ as a protective mechanism because the only way to avoid a feared outcome is to never do anything! 🙃🙃#and okay yeah these things are not created equal and one of them probably doesn't actually matter the point I'm trying to make is that#this shit affects my life on EVERY level and I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE FOR IT NOT TO DO THAT#I AM TIRED OF THE BRAIN DISEASE BEING HERE I WOULD LIKE TO BE A MENTALLY HEALTHY PERSON PLEASE#*sigh* yeah yeah the answer is erp the answer is always erp that doesn't mean it's fun#mc13 and her ocd#I'll probably delete this later because it most likely makes me look completely and utterly absurd if not straight-up stupid#(no one ELSE with this disease or fears is absurd or stupid btw. just me. it's only me who is A Problem™)#(yes I know how that sounds. I know okay.)
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Time for another round of "Do I Actually Need Emotional Support, Or Is This Just An Asking-For-Reassurance Compulsion!"
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Girl help, the Compulsions™ are compulsion-ing.
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I think that, if I have recognized that something is a compulsion and not an Actual Necessary Action, the desire to do it should go away. It should just disappear. That's what I think. It's only fair.
#AAAAAAAHHHHHH#mc13 and her ocd#I KNOW this is unhelpful and not based in reality that should make me just NOT DO IT#I know I said yell at me if I showed up here again today but I simply cannot. do it. I tried very hard very intensely and now my brain want#to scream :) :) :)#I'd say 'maybe I go to bed early' but I slept for like. 14 hours yesterday. so. probably not.
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Ah, yes. The age old question of: Where is the line between reassurance-seeking-is-a-compulsion-don't-feed-the-OCD and "I am in genuine need of emotional support."
#years of hands-on research have not yielded an answer!#my god my brain is in hell I do NOT know where this is coming from it's been like this for WEEKS I am /TIRED/#In the Vents#mc13 and her ocd
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Whenever I want to do a Compulsion™ my brain tells me, "Oh, well this time it's not a compulsion, this time it's necessary," and then if I give into it and do the compulsion, every single time I get done with it I'm like, "Goddammit. You tricked me again."
#you'd think. I would have learned by now.#unfortunately managing this disorder is not that simple#mc13 and her ocd
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Girl...the compulsions™.................
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Having OCD is like, "I have to do exposure exercises for things I actively enjoy so I don't permanently ruin them for myself via Doing Compulsions."
#makes it REALLY hard to have hobbies!#genuinely I think the last time I finished a long-term creative project was when I recorded misa's interrogation song A YEAR AGO#you don't even want to know when the last time I finished an entire new work of fiction was.#I don't even mean like. writing. I mean reading/watching something.#my brain is an eldritch creature and I don't mean that in a cool or intimidating way I mean that in a pathetic 'I'll never#meaningfully connect with another person' way#I just wish I had like. ANYTHING to offer the world at large in terms of consistently positive qualities. but.#screaming incoherently about fictional ladies doesn't really qualify in the eyes of most people and that's about all I'm good for.#which don't get me wrong I WILL keep doing that but. sometimes I'd like to believe there's more to me than that. but I'm not sure there is.#mc13 and her ocd#god I should have bought cheesecake why didn't I do that
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...Well that's not a good sign.
#mc13 and her ocd#cool so the contamination stuff™ is apparently coming back#it was more morally-focused for a while (I mean. it still is. but.) the contamination aspect was at least mostly under control.#there was. well today it was not under control. let's just put it that way.#the problem with compulsions is...sometimes they actually do the OPPOSITE of what you intend them to do.#and sometimes when that happens. you have a bad time. *thumbs up emoji*#all this AND I still have to go to the lab. what a world.
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scream-crying at myself in the mirror-> IT'S. BETTER. FOR. IT. TO. BE. BAD. THAN. TO. BE. MISERABLE. OVER. COMPULSIONS.
#mc13 and her ocd#mc13's complicated relationship with art#the GOOD news is that the compulsions have been much fewer this time#but they are. still there. and they still suck when they are.#I long for the day when not Literally Everything has to somehow be adapted into an exposure exercise but I will try to be patient
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"The things I do for love" more like "The things I do for exposure-response-prevention therapy."
#truly I could not explain these exercises if I tried#mc13 and her ocd#though. to be clear: 'the things I do for love' too.#:)#queue your courage to the sticking place
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The thing is, logically, in a way that's completely detached from any OCD Weirdness™, I KNOW this is Not That Deep.
Sadly, because of the aforementioned OCD Weirdness™, knowing this doesn't actually. Help. With anything.
#I woke up and uh. Well it's sure gonna be A Day.#mc13 and her ocd#once again asking to run my braincells through a colander
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I must not do compulsions. Doing compulsions is the mind-killer. Doing Compulsions™ is the little death that brings total obliteration--
#:) :) :)#mc13 and her ocd#mind-killer is. well it's NOT literal but it sure does feel like it is!!#it's a wonder I have any braincells left
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*screaming at myself in the mirror* YOU HAVE TO DO THE THINGS YOU IRRATIONALLY WANT TO AVOID. IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO WORK THROUGH OCD. THIS IS WHAT ERP IS. YOU GOTTA DO IT. I KNOW IT SUCKS, BUT YOU GOTTA DO IT.
#mc13 and her ocd#told myself I was gonna not do something and then realized I was avoiding it because of Disorder Reasons™ so now I. have to do it.#GRRRRRR#fine I'll do the exposure. but I might yell the whole time. and/or claw my furniture.#you know how it goes
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